Seek to Understand
My niece BB and I were painting rocks together. She particularly liked my rainbow rock and told me I should put it on my front steps for Pride Month. Surprised by her comment, I asked her what she knew about Pride Month.
BB shared with me that she had recently joined the Pride Committee at her school. They were spending time preparing activities for students in the hopes that more kids would learn what Pride Month is all about. When I asked her what Pride Month means to her—a nine-year-old—BB said quite confidently, “Pride means people can love who they love, just like you and Auntie Kimmy. It means people can choose to use whatever pronouns they feel comfortable with. And you can be straight or gay or transgender. It doesn’t matter, we just need to accept people the way they are.”
At age nine, BB’s interpretation of Pride Month is about kindness. And all I could think is how incredible her school is for making such a special effort to teach lessons of understanding and acceptance to their community.
I too have been thinking about Pride Month and what it means.
I brought it up with my colleague Bailey. She told me about something that had just happened with her eight-year-old daughter Mila. Mila is in second grade, and last week her class had a substitute teacher— a transgender woman. This was a new experience for her daughter who understandably came home with some questions. Mila asked her mom if it was “okay” for a teacher to look kind of like a man, but also wear makeup. Bailey answered her daughter’s questions thoughtfully and factually, and Mila seemed satisfied with her answers. Bailey assumed that was the end of the conversation. But it wasn’t.
On Friday, Bailey received an email from the substitute teacher. Apparently, Mila approached the teacher to let her know that she thought her makeup looked beautiful. The teacher emailed Bailey to let her know what a kind and accepting daughter she has— and that it meant the world to receive such a compliment, especially from a child. The teacher shared that she is in the beginning stages of her transition from male to female and commented that many people are unsure how to react to her. However, Mila’s kindness and empathy were so encouraging.
This got me thinking: If 8-and 9-year-old kids can ask authentic questions, be curious, seek to understand, and ultimately choose to show kindness—doesn’t it seem like adults could do this more often too?
You may be asking, “Does this really matter? Is this necessary?”
Does it matter on a Zoom call when the moderator updates his name to include “him/his” pronouns, even though most people on the call know he identifies as male? It might not matter to you, but for the one gender-non-conforming colleague on that Zoom call to suddenly feel comfortable adding “they/them” next to their own name for the first time ever— yes, you bet it matters.
I recently overheard a man at a conference ask his colleagues if they thought Pride Month should be a thing. “I mean, is it necessary to carve a whole month out for gay people to wave their flags and show their pride?” A black man in the group responded instantly: “Well bro, you might ask the same thing about Juneteenth, and I’ll tell you that acknowledging June 19th matters for me and my family. I imagine Pride Month gives the same kind of acknowledgement to gay people.”
If these stories spark interest and you find yourself nodding in agreement, keep reading.
And if these examples are uncomfortable for you, I encourage you to keep reading as well.
You may not feel any connection to this subject. I get it. You may have zero reason for celebrating Pride Month. Totally understandable. But be aware that there is a pretty good chance this topic will hit home for you someday. It is possible that your child, or a close friend, or your coworker, might someday come out to you. How you react in that moment could make a profound difference for them— positive or negative. You get to choose. And you can also be prepared.
I’m writing today about Pride Month to help bring awareness to the topic— and to help you be more prepared for the moment when someone starts this conversation with you. Your kindness and acceptance will matter. I promise you.
This is exactly what happened to my friend last year. He called me and sounded upset.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“I need your help. My daughter just told us she is gay. I’m not sure I handled it very well.” My friend paused. He stumbled over his words a bit. “I mean, I definitely told her that we love her and that we are always going to be here to support her… But I still feel like I should have said something else. Something better. Honestly, I wasn’t prepared for this.”
This past year has been quite a journey—not only for his daughter—but for their whole family. They’ve all figured out how to get more comfortable, ask more questions, and learn to be more open-minded than they already were—all in an effort to better understand and support their loved one. They were seeking to understand. Believe me when I tell you that this family exudes support, love and pride. And not surprising, their daughter is thriving as a result.
How we treat people is a choice. I am not writing today to judge you for your beliefs. I am simply asking you to pause, think, and choose your words and reactions carefully when it comes to others. I am also asking that you try a little harder. Referring to someone with their new pronouns, they/them, takes some extra effort. Let us all make that effort.
At some point, someone you care about may choose to share their vulnerable, life-changing news with you. Your reaction to their announcement can make a profound difference in their self-esteem and their confidence. What if you used this reminder and took this very moment—well in advance—to prepare for how you will react to that person in the future?
Every June, we recognize Pride Month. Members of the LGBTQ+ community will be taking the time to celebrate their relationships, rejoice in their ability to get married legally in our country, and reflect on how far they’ve come.
From the bottom of my heart, thank you in advance for respecting this month of joy. Thank you for teaching the children in your life what Pride means.
Parents, thank you for the effort you are making to raise kind and accepting kids. And let us all give a special shout-out to parents of LGBTQ+ kids— you are remarkable humans, raising remarkable humans.
Thank you, readers, for seeking to understand.
